Goodbye To You
by wingedraksha
Summary: An angsty look at how Mal and Inara may have turned out, if everything went pearshaped. Tearjerker.


She watches the stars as they pass, brilliant spots of light in the distance. They remind her of diamonds, sprinkled through the heavens. That thought makes her laugh, and it's a bitter sound. Before the end of the world, people thought space was where the gods were. She knows, though. She knows the truth. The Black is anything but Heaven.

Her black hair is straightened, tightly braided. She hardly ever wears a braid, but this morning, she couldn't make herself take the time to fix it properly. She's finding it harder and harder to make herself take the time to do anything these days.

Listless.

Of all the things I've believed in

I just want to get it over with.

Tears form behind my eyes

But I do not cry,

Counting the days that pass me by.

She knows what she has to do. Can hardly bear to think it, but she knows. This place… she has to leave. Get out, get off, get away. From him. From them. From everything and anything that makes up the web around her, slowly tightening. She can feel her air, choking off. Her lungs scream silently, and she breathes. Air seems so paltry.

He comes up behind her, arms going around her waist. Those big hands, hands that have killed and loved with equal passion, smooth the fabric at her stomach.

"Inara," he says. His voice is tired. They're both so tired. She doesn't turn.

I've been searching deep down in my soul.

Words that I'm hearing

Are starting to get old.

It feels like I'm starting all over again…

The last three years were just pretend.

Her hands are shaking, she realizes. She clasps them in front of her to stop the trembles. It's been so long since that night, the night they tumbled like adolescents into her bed. So many long, hard days. So many tired nights, sleepless for fear of what was to come. Fear for him, and his people. And, lately, fear of him. She hates that she's afraid of him when she loves him so harshly. She hates a lot of things now.

Most of all, though, she hates the power he has over her. The way he can hurt her so deeply, cut her so cruelly, and walk away.

He always could walk away.

She bites back, it's true. They hurt each other. They love, and they fight, and they wound. But he's a violent man, first and foremost, and she's not forgotten his fist slamming into the wall of the shuttle. Anger. Pain. They seem so good at that.

And I said

Goodbye to you,

Goodbye to everything that I knew.

You were the one I loved,

The one thing that I tried to hold on to…

She wonders how long it will be before he gets lost. Before the agony of living becomes too much for him. He's lost so much, she knows. Friends, family, home. Zoe's gone now, her broken heart overcoming her loyalty to her captain. Kaylee and Simon won't stay long, she knows. They'll not want to raise a baby on this rickety old ship.

He knows it, too.

She's all he really has, now.

After all these years, she always knew it would come down to them.

"I'm going, Mal," she says. They stand in silence after she speaks, staring out at the Black. She thinks of a forest fire, burning through the trees. Leaving charred stumps and ashes.

Always ashes.

He turns her around, hands rough and needy despite his calm face. His blue eyes search hers, and she sees the desperation. But along with it, she sees the knowing resignation. It angers her. Martyr. He's such a fucking martyr.

I still get lost in your eyes,

And it seems that I can't live a day without you.

Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away

To a place where I am blinded by the light,

But it's not right.

"Going? Going where?" She lets him hold her. Her voice is steady and low when she speaks.

"Persephone, maybe. Sihnon. They'll take me in at the Training House. I could teach." She says this as an offering of sorts, telling him that she won't return to her job as a high-class whore, as he sees it. Not to say she's lying, but… she's lying. She wants her old job back. She wants to lose herself in finery and sweaty skin, where no one cares about love and hate and loneliness and the cold, cold Black.

He doesn't have to know that, though.

She's not cruel.

"'Nara, I…" He won't say it. He never has, not through the fights or the teasing or the sex. Neither has she. It's an unspoken rule. An agreement to save whatever dignity they have left in the void of relationship between them. If they say it, they burn the last bridge to safety. If they say it, they lose that last doorway with the sign above it that says MISTAKE, I WAS LONELY, IT MEANT NOTHING, I DON'T CARE. And neither of them are brave enough for that.

Now is no different. He stops, eyes going to the floor.

She knows this dance. He'll sigh and blink and say something about how he can't hold her here, and she'll sigh and blink and maybe shed a tear or two. They've done it so many times before, but she always comes back.

Not anymore.

Her heart, she thinks, has finally been beaten down.

It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time.

I want what's yours and I want what's mine.

I want you, but I'm not giving in this time.

It hurts. Not as much as she expected, but it hurts. She loves him, she really does.

That's what makes it all so damn ironic.

"I can't stay here. It's killing me." She sees the pain in his eyes, knows it's hurting him too. But she also sees the acceptance, and knows he's been waiting for this. Just another tragedy in the life of Malcolm Reynolds. Soon, he'll be so hard even Kaylee won't be able to reach him.

She almost laughs, remembering the beginning. She'd actually thought she could save this man.

It stuns her that she could be so painfully, arrogantly naïve.

"I don't want you to go," he says. It's the closest he's ever come to telling her how he really feels.

"I'm sorry," she replies, and means it. She is sorry.

Goodbye to you,

Goodbye to everything that I knew.

You were the one I loved,

The one thing that I tried to hold on to…

The one thing that I tried to hold on to…

But sorrow is something they're both used to by now.

So no special treatment.


End file.
